Start with a long set up. Assume people need an introduction because that’s what everybody else does and who the hell are you to change it? Now, this intro could end now, but 3 sentences rounds out your OCD and clinches that last spike of boredom.

1. Go ahead and tell them shit they already know. Here would be a good place to put something like “Know your audience.” Or, “Never give up.” Feel free to elaborate on shit people already know and it never hurts to assume they’re going to read or listen to everything your present just because you’re presenting it.
2. After you’ve made your point, feel free to make it again. It will make you feel smart and important. Remember this presentation is all about you, not your audience.
3. Throw in a personal stories about lessons you’ve learned. I new a person at my last agency who was an expert at boring the shit out of people. I’m sure that person would love reading this. Also, if it happened to you, it had to be exciting. Right?
4. Quote sources like the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal or whatever publication is important in your industry. Nothing says, “Dammit, I’m one smart motherfucker!” like dropping hints that you can read. Who cares if it’s shit they already know. I’m sure it’s proven than people who drop the names or reputable newspapers look a lot smarter than those who don’t.
5. Wrap it up with a long conclusion. Assume your audience is so stupid that they’ve already forgotten the shit you just presented.
6. Make a cutesy joke at the end just to button it up. Don’t just end when you’ve got nothing else to say. Leave them with one last taste of your brilliance and make sure it calls back to the point of your presentation. I would give you an example, but I’d hate to bore you.

- John Huggins