Ah yes, good old research.

100% Knowledge. 0% Wisdom.

You can hate it all you want, but it isn’t going anywhere. There’s an entire timidity-industrial complex to make certain of that.

The point of this post is to share all the wisdom I have heard and used over the years, so that others can use it when they’re sitting behind the glass watching their brave thinking being masticated by the many manic moving mouths of “experts.”

It won’t make the experience any less painful, but at least it will generate a few laughs and make you sound like you’ve done your “research.”

So, in no particular order of snarkiness, here goes:

(Quotes attributed where possible.)

“Marketing executives use research as a drunkard uses a lamp post—for support, rather than for illumination.”

- David Ogilvy

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”

- Albert Einstein

“A camel is a horse designed by committee.”

- Ironically attributed to multiple people.

“It’s like asking the fish how they would like to be caught.”

“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.”

“A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.”

These are all funny and brilliant, but the seminal work on the subject must surely be Painting by Numbers – Komar and Melamid’s Scientific Guide to Art.

The basic premise is that a pair of conceptual artists creates America’s Most Wanted painting, using data collected through telephone interviews with average Americans. Of course, they also create America’s Most Unwanted painting. The results, of course, speak for themselves.

So get your own copy on Amazon.com then casually read it while your focus group has its way with your ideas. When someone asks what you’re reading, and they will, just show them the two pictures, side-by-side. That should clarify any creative person’s point-of-view on research.

As an added bonus, I have also attached an image that some brilliant mind at TBWA\Chiat\Day Los Angeles scribbled on a flipchart in one of the conference rooms a couple of years ago. I don’t know who it was, but kudos, my friend. Click the image to see the full version.

One last thing, please add your own nuggets of snarky wisdom in the comments section.

Cheers.

- Craig Crawford