the following is an excerpt from “diary of an unemployed man”….a brief absolutely true memoir written right after the very first time i ever got laid back in 2001.

you know, when it was fun to lose your job….

10.10.01

you know, when they first told me that they were letting me go, i wasn’t as pissed and furious as i thought i’d be. actually, though the entire day was a comedy of errors.

that friday, word of lay offs was surging through the halls as if someone clogged the toilet, and by the end of the day the entire bathroom filled with water and finally some unsuspecting guy opens the door, and thousands of gallons of water were released; sooner or later the entire office would smell the shit.

my art director came into my office at 9:30 and told me he was cut. immediately, i figured if he got it, i’m next. i called some friends to say the water was beginning to back up in the bathroom. when i was on the phone, my other line rang, but i decided not to answer it. on the phone, i joked with my friend about that if i got it, i would see how long i could avoid it. you know, stretch out employment as far as possible. i figured it could be easily done by just not being available; not be in my office, but have my computer and stereo on, with a half eaten doughnut on the desk. just go to a movie. or a long lunch. then, return phone calls from the cell, saying “hey jeff, I stopped by your office but you weren’t there. i’m in my office now if you want to come down.” then when he comes down, and sees my doughnut, he’d think “ah, just missed him again.” then, wash, rinse, repeat all day. and maybe into the next week. only stopping into the office long enough to be seen by witnesses and to change the half eaten doughnut to a half eaten quesadilla at lunchtime.

so, after i hung up the phone, i checked my message. “mark, this is jeff. can you come up to my office.” the very first thing i did was called my buddy back in nyc and told him that was the message. He couldn’t believe it. the time had come to put my money where my mouth was. all the talk of this funny ruse, was i just talking the talk, or would i walk the walk. so, after a few seconds of deliberation, i turned on my stereo, and i walked the walk. right out the door, down the back steps and out on to california as quickly and inconspicuously as possible. without even stopping to buy a doughtnut, take a bite out of it, and set it on my desk.

the plan was in action. i started walking aimlessly around, trying to think where to go and what to do. i could’ve eaten lunch actually, without it being too forced, it was already 11:15. but that seemed a little too early. i called a few friends and told them what i was doing. f-it. why not!? it would make a good story. (isn’t it?) as i’m walking around, i leave a message for my producer whom i was in the middle of prepping a spot with. told her i was reasearching stuff for it at a bookstore, then lunch, then i’d be back later. . just leave me a message. the virtual paper trial had begun.

i met a friend for lunch and we talked about what was going on. he told me i ran. hid. like a frightened rabbit from a wolf…or whatever natural enemy rabbits have. of course, today, that person is laid off, and is currently hiding out at home. fucker. anyway, at lunch, i decide to check a few messages, to see if jeff’s office had tried me again. they hadn’t. but there were two “urgent” office wide voicemails. one saying there was an agency meeting, and another one for the creative dept. saying there was a creative meeting immediately following that one. this complicated things. what if i wasn’t laid off, and jeff just wanted to tell me, we let you’re AD go, but not you. don’t worry. ” then, if i skipped the meetings, i’d look like a jerk. but what if they were going to lay me off? well, then, right now i’m fine because it’s lunch, but if I went back to the office attending the meetings, would look like a jerk. this was all starting to feel like a bad sienfeld episode. well, actually, a good one. anyway, i was trying to figure out what to do, and i figured i should try and find jeff before the meetings. so i headed back to the office. i had to abandon the plan.

when i got back, i tried his office, but he was out to lunch. i left word with his secretary that i was returning his call. i figured if I was goig to get laid off, they’d definitley want to tell me sooner than later, so my message would be right at athe top of the pile. no call back. before i knew it, the agency wide meeting was about to begin. should i just hang in my office or attend it. it’s already 2:30 and no one has told me anything. maybe i’m not going to get it. so i go to the meeting, but sit way back in the corner. the entire agency gathered, and it looked like lighter. like the entire agency as a whole hadn’t eaten for months, and it was thinner, more fatigued, there was no more fat where people used to be. the entire meeting is about the layoffs. why, when, how much money they’re making versus how much they owe, why they’re letting people go instead of taking a bigger cut in their million plus dollar salaries, that sort of thing. it was torture. when it came time for Q&A, i felt like leaning over the railing from the third floor “yea, i have a question: AM I LAID OFF OR WHAT?!!” meeting dismissed.

now what? do i go to the creative department meeting and suffer the stares of “what’s he doing here?”…i go back to my office to figure it out. no message from jeff’s office. i call his secretary, no one there. so I decide to go up and try and catch him before the meeting. the last thing i’d want to happen is walk in just as jeff is going to start and he goes, “so, the reason i called the meeting is—oh mark, um, can I see you outside for a second…” then we both walk out, and only he walks back in. ouch.

So, i’m hovering outside the conference room, hoping to catch him before, but as someone walks in, i see he’s already in there. his secretary walks by me, and i ask if jeff can come out, but it’s too late. so now, i’m thinking, maybe i didn’t get it…surely they’d tell me by now. before the creative department meeting. it’s already 3pm.

so i go in. both jeff and rich are going on about how the work has to be better and smarter and funnier. and all i’m thinking is “does this apply to me?” i again, hide in a corner. but i was the last one in, so everybody saw me. during the meeting , some people stand and speak out, “well, sometimes the ae’s prevent us from doing great work.”…”i think you’re right, we can be funnier. but you have to let us.” briefly, i was thinking what i should’ve done, but of course it was just talk in my head, i should’ve gotten up and tried to rally everybody. “you know guys, jeff and rich are right. we do have to be funnier. i mean, this is a sad day at the agency, but we can make it a better one. we’re all here for a reason! each and everyone of us is still employed here because these two men belive in us! they believe we can make their agency better! am i right jeff? that’s why i’m here, right? so let’s go out there and write and art direct bigger and better things! who’s with me?!” go out with a bang. now that would’ve been a funny story as opposed to this relatively entertaining one.

the meeting adjourns, and i wait outside a few minutes. the department recruiter walks by me, and says hi, as if nothing is going on. i’m thinking more and more, well, maybe i’m not let go. i head down to my office. no message. i call the secretary again, and tell her i’m waiting to see him. she sounds normal on the phone. she doesn’t know anything. i check my emails and my friend in nyc wrote one “so…?” I start to write back a reply saying, “maybe i’m not laid off. i just attended both meetings, and jeff hasn’t called me back. if he hasn’t tried by now to call me, i—-” then the phone rang. “mark, jeff is back in his office.” before i sent my reply, i erased it and just wrote “i just got called up.”

as soon as i go up, he takes me into his private office and closes the door. right then, i knew it. finally at 3:30 on friday, they told me. of course, i knew it was coming. . it was their third round, they just lost $100 million, they let my art director go, and i was one of the last hires. I was thinking of resorting to my second plan for a story, which was after they explain to me “mark, we’ve just lost a 1/3 of our billings, 1/3 of our staff, this is our third round of layoffs, you were the last one hired, we love your work, but we just can’t afford to keep you.” Would’ve been to stand up and say, “racial discrimination!” but it just didn’t seem appropriate. save that card for another time.

so there it is. the long, elaborate, somewhat funny, somewhat boring, but most of all completely true story of how i became to be a robe and slipper wearing, no alarm clock, playstation 2 playing 24 hour a day card carrying member of living the life of leisure.

that is until my benefits run out.

Then it’s start the whole process over again.

- Mark Abellera